Regarding some of the consent debates recently:

nextstepcake:

When talking about people who don’t want sex but consent to it, it’s important to differentiate between:

A. People who do not want sex: they may not care for it,  but they do not have any desire not to have sex

B. People who do not want sex: it’s not just that they don’t have desire for it, but that they also have a desire not to to . 

In the case of A - such as an asexual person who does not experience sexual attraction but isn’t averse to sex, it is perfectly possible to legitimately give consent, and it’s not “unhealthy”

The problem is if someone who falls under B is guilted or coerced into having sex despite actively wanting not to (and by the way, if it’s coerced, it’ not consesual), which would basically be rape.

Unfortunately, since A and B both sound the same (“people who do not want sex”), it can be unclear which situation a person is referring to, which leads to a lot of confusions and never-ending arguments. So, it’s important to establish what kind of situations one is referring to.

—

As far as my personal thoughts on enthusiastic consent: I don’t like it’s implication that I cannot decide for myself what I do or do not want to do, and what my own boundaries are. I am perfectly capable of deciding when I want to engage in sexual activity, and if I choose to engage in sexual activity even without attraction being present, that is my own choice and it’s really none of your business. 

This is an extremely important point that NEEDS to be addressed more: consent for asexual individuals, and these are some wonderful points.

Asexual individuals can indeed truly consent to sex, but they can also be coerced into it. It is quite possible to not actively want to have sex without actively not wanting it, and it is also possible to give enthusiastic consent when one does not actively want to have it. 

Enthusiastic consent is not meant to discount an asexual individual’s choice to have sex. Rather, it ought to promote the choice; after all, choice is what consensual sex is all about (because we all know that coerced sex is not chosen sex; it is rape and, therefore, not sex at all). Enthusiastic consent is supposed to help clear up the confusion between the types of “people who do not want sex,” as you have so brilliantly framed it.

In the case of someone who does not actively want sex, enthusiastic consent means that the choice to engage in sexual activity was active. A person doesn’t necessarily need to be enthusiastic about the sex, but he/she/ze needs to be enthusiastic about choosing to participate. 

Media, Rape Culture, and Why Apologies Aren’t Enough

You’ve probably heard about the awful Belvedere Vodka ad. It really is awful—from the text to the look on the woman’s face to the look on the man’s, everything about this ad is abhorrent.

Belvedere has pulled the ad, apologized, and made a donation to RAINN; and while I personally applaud the donation, I (like many other people) am still deeply upset.

The thing about the internet is that content doesn’t go away. The original post can be deleted, as the Belvedere ad was, but the ad is still available through the articles and the people who re-posted it. The articles are necessary—they’re raising awareness about how wrong an ad like this is—but the fact remains that the image is still out there. And, judging by the number of people who thought it hilarious when Belvedere first posted it, surely some of them still don’t see the issue.

Media is a huge part of our everyday lives, and it influences us in ways we usually don’t even realize. When media perpetuates rape culture, that influence is used in a sickening manner. Many ads and television shows and movies spread rape culture’s ideas in more subtle ways than the Belvedere ad, and this is how we are influenced without realizing it. If any media spreads the message that consent is anything other than an enthusiastic yes, it has done something that no apology can fix.

Enthusiastic Consent: LET’S TALK ABOUT IT!

slutwalkseattle:

Here at SlutWalk Seattle, we’re proponents of the “Yes Means Yes” model of consent - that is, nothing counts as consent except an enthusiastic “yes” from all involved parties.

I’ve read a few feminist blogs that are against this “Yes Means Yes” model. It’s not because they don’t want to fight against sexual assault (after all, I don’t think you can even call yourself a feminist if you don’t want to fight against sexual assault), but rather because they’ve realized that some people don’t consent enthusiastically, or don’t verbalize their consent, or like it better when their partners don’t ask, or whatever else.

And that’s fine. However you consent is how you consent. I won’t stop espousing the merits of “Yes Means Yes,” though. 

Here’s the thing: if this isn’t the basic model of consent that society hears, more sexual assault will happen. Rapists who have never heard anything about sexual assault beyond “No Means No” and “Women shouldn’t walk alone at night or a stranger in the bushes will put a knife to their throat and rape them!” won’t know that they’re rapists. They’ll think that because they don’t fit the typical idea of a rapist, they’re not a rapist. They’ll think that because the person they raped didn’t say no, they’re not a rapist. They’ll think that because their partner said yes - even if they only said it after being pressured into it, even if they only said it because they knew they couldn’t escape, even if they said it because they were afraid to say no - they’re not a rapist.

I want to make sure the mainstream model is “Yes Means Yes,” and I want people who don’t devote much time to thinking about consent and sexual assault to know that nothing counts as consent except an enthusiastic “yes.” If we send any different message to society, more rapists will rape, and more rapists will get away with believing that they are not rapists.

Just because this would be the typical model, though, doesn’t mean yours can’t be different. Personally, I don’t always consent enthusiastically. Sometimes I’m anxious or depressed when my partners initiate, so I’m not exactly capable of jumping up and down with excitement about fucking. I can still consent in this state, though - I’m still of sound enough mind to agree to sex, and I’m capable of communicating to my partners that even though I’m not consenting enthusiastically, I am still consenting.

Consent differs for a lot of people. Asexual people or people with low sex drives might not want to have sex, but choose to do so anyway because they like pleasing their partners. Kinky people may choose to create an aura of nonconsent, with one partner being totally submissive to the other and seemingly not having the option of saying “no.” Some couples might just not enjoy having to verbally consent every time, so they communicate consent physically instead.

If the way you consent differs from “Yes Means Yes,” then it is your responsibility to communicate this to your sex partner(s). Likewise, you have the responsibility to make sure your partner(s) are consenting. As long as you talk about what consent looks like for you, as long as you listen to what consent looks like for your partner(s), and as long as you and anybody you’re having sex with can take their consent away at any time, you can have consensual sex without following the “Yes Means Yes” model.

Regardless, I’m still going to teach society at large that an enthusiastic yes is the only thing that counts. And if an enthusiastic yes isn’t the only thing that counts for you personally, then that’s great, but the onus is on you to differentiate yourself from the norm. Without “Yes Means Yes” as the norm, more sexual assault will happen, and it would be unwise and unsafe to change that model because there are some people who consent differently.

-Robin Sacks
Director 

maddlington:

fuck yeah sex education: Consent

lets-blog-about-sex-baby:

Consent is one of the single most important aspect of any relationship, especially one that is sexual or might become sexual. The biggest thing to remember about consent is that it is not ongoing, meaning that a partner may give consent at one point, and then remove that consent at another. Consent is not given automatically simply because one has given it in previous situations, and healthy relationships utilize strong communication, both verbal and physical, when exercising consent. 

Here’s some stuff to keep in mind when it comes to proper consent:

Physical consent/body language/enthusiasm 

Things to ask yourself/look for.

• Is your partner responsive and enthusiastic to your advances? 
• Does your partner seem nervous, upset, afraid, or timid? 
• Is your partner encouraging you by pulling you closer or getting closer to you? 
• Is your partner being hesitant, turning away, or trying to move away or get out of an embrace or position?
• Does your partner seem like they want to speak out against an action/activity? 
• When giving verbal consent, are they enthusiastic or half-hearted? 
• When bringing up something new you want to try, does your partner seem eager to participate or are the hesitant to proceed? 
• Does your partner pull away from your advances. 

Feelings that you should consider when giving consent.

• Do you really want to do this?
• Are you enthusiastic about your partner’s advances? 
• Does anything that your partner is doing make you feel uncomfortable?
• Do you feel like you can’t say no? 
• Do you say yes and then regret it? 
• Do your feel afraid about what your partner is doing? 
• Does your partner frighten you? 
• Do you feel like you HAVE to say yes? 
• Do you feel like you want to stop but are afraid to say it? 

Many people don’t think of body language as a form of consent, but it very much is! A person can say “yes,” but their feelings and body may be saying otherwise. Good consent requires good communication, and a part of communication is listening. You have to, essentially, “listen” to your partner’s body actively as well as the fluctuations in their voice to be really certain about whether or not they’re comfortable with what is happening. 

Verbal consent

Things to ask/say:

• “Are you comfortable with this?” 
• “Can I continue?” 
• “Do you enjoy this?” 
• Where do you want me to touch you?”
• “Tell me when to stop.”
• “Tell me if I hurt you.” 
• “Use the safe word if it’s too much.” 
• “Can I touch you here?”
• “What do you want me to do?”
• “Is this too much?”
• “Do you want to stop?” 
• “Tell me if you want to do something different.” 
• “Is it ok if we try/do this?” 
• “Do I need to slow down/speed up/stop?” 
• “If I do ___ will it be ok?” 
• “Are you ready for this?” 
• “Can we try something new?”

Answers that do not give consent/revoke consent.

• “I’m not comfortable. Can we stop/slow down/try this later?”
• “I don’t want to do this/continue with this.”
• “I don’t enjoy this.”  
• “*Uses safe word.*
• “I don’t want you to touch me me here.” 
• “I don’t want you to ___.” 
• “You’re hurting me.” 
• “This is too much, please stop.” 
• “I want you to stop.” 
• “I’m not ready for this.” 
• “It’s not ok for you to do this.”
• “I don’t want to try that.” 
• “I want you to stop now.” 

Answers that do give consent/reinforce given consent. 

• “I like that, please continue.”
• “I’m ok with this.”
• “I’m comfortable with what you’re doing.”
• “Don’t stop.”
• “I like it when you ___.” 
• “I enjoy this.” 
• “I want you to go on.”
• “I want you to touch me there.” 
• “I want to try/do this.” 
• “Speed up/slow down/do this..” 
• “I want to do more.” 

Ways to not pressure partners. 

• “It’s ok if you don’t want to.”
• “I don’t want to do anything you’re not ready for, so we can wait.”
• “I respect your choice and won’t go further then you want.” 
• “I can wait until you’re ready to do more.” 
• “Tell me what you want, and we can do just that so you’re not uncomfortable.” 
• “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, so we’ll stop.” 
• “I understand you’re not ready. It’s no big deal.” 

Again, communication, communication, communication. Verbally establishing what is and isn’t ok while also being aware of the physical signs of consent is key. Keep in mind that you don’t just have to ask these questions during sexual activity. Talk about these kinds of things outside of the bedroom too! You can get into detailed conversations about how you want things to go, what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and if anything changes while you’re engaging in sexual activity, you have the power to change your consent. Giving, receiving, and respecting consent is an ongoing process. 

Consent while under the influence of alcohol. 

Things to ask yourself before you drink.

• Do you want to engage in sexual activity while under the influence? 
• How much are you planning drink?
• What kind of people are you going to be around?
• Do the people you’re around know your boundaries? 
• Are you in an environment where you’ll be safe? 
• Are you going to hook up or be with a repeat partner? 

Things to ask others before they drink.

• “Do you wanna hook up?”
• “Are you comfortable with drunk sex?” 
• “Is it ok if we mess around while we’re drinking/drunk?”
• “I know we’ve had drunk sex before, but do you want to do it again?” 

When consent cannot be given while drunk. 

• When someone is passed out.
• When someone has blacked out.
• When someone is wasted, slurring words, stumbling, ect. 
• When someone has specified before drinking that they don’t want sex. 

What is NOT drunk consent, and can be considered rape.

• Pretending to help someone to bed and then sleeping with them while drunk/wasted. 
• Having sex, touching, or doing other things to someone who is unaware of what is going on. 
• Doing the above things to someone who is drunk/wasted who makes it verbally (no matter how slurred or muttered) clear that they do not want you doing these things to them. 
• Having sex, touching, or doing other things with someone who is drunk/wasted who the next day says that they did not consent to those activities. 
• Having sex, touching, or doing other things with a drunk/wasted significant other who the next days says that they did not consent to those activities.
• Having sex, touching, or doing other things with a drunk/wasted person who later feels that they were taken advantage of or coerced.   

Important things to remember about drunk consent.

• People who are drunk have impaired inhibitions, which means they might do things they would not do otherwise if they were sober. Being tipsy and being drunk/wasted have differing levels of consent accuracy, and it is up to you, the person asking for consent, to make wise decisions. Even if it is a partner or friend, you must take into account the situation and ask yourself if they would give you consent in a sober situation, and if THIS situation is one they would give consent it. Be mindful of signs that show that people cannot give consent or haven’t given consent. Even if your advances are not malicious in nature, the other person may not have actually given you consent, and you could end up in an unpleasent situation. 
• Please, please, please remember that a person who is drunk is not a “target.” It is never good to pin-point people who are drunk or wasted for sex because those people may or may not actually be consenting, and the decision to seek out drunk people because they’re “easy,” or “asking for it” perpetuates the idea that if you’re drinking and someone has sex with or does sexual things to you without your consent, that it’s YOUR fault that you were raped/taken advantage of, and NOT the person who did the raping/assault. 

Things to remember about consent.

• Consent is not ongoing or automatic. Fuck buddies, monogamous partners, open partners, spouses, friends with benefits, all of these relationships and more HAVE to practice consent. Saying “yes” one day does not guarantee a “yes” the next. Being in a relationship or having done sexual things prior is not an excuse to ignore lack of consent. 
• Another thing to remember is that it’s just women*/female-identifying people who give consent, nor is it just men*/male identifying people who have to get it. If a person is not comfortable with something, they should be respected by their partner to not be pressured, no matter what their gender identity is! 
• Consent is all about communication from all participants. If someone does not give enthusiastic, genuine consent, even if it’s a yes, it is not truly consent. 

One last thing…

Always remember that CONSENT IS SEXY. There’s nothing better then fully immersing and engaging in sex that you’re 100% enthusiastic about!

-P

 This is brilliant. I’d like it noted, however, that in the “Answers that do not give/revoke consent” section, any variation of those responses counts. You don’t have to form full sentences to revoke consent. Any possible variation of those statements, or “No”, counts as a lack of consent. I’d also like to add that “Can we do this later?” or any other kind lack of consent that is construed as putting the act off is not a guarantee of consent later; it is NOT consenting to the act later, it is a way of getting the act to stop NOW. It still means NO. Just thought I’d point that out.

(via areyousureshesnotlying)